


underneath your armor, do you bleed?

by r4m3nlvr



Series: brothers in spirit [5]
Category: SB19 (Band)
Genre: Brotherhood, English with Filipino conversations, Family, Gen, Members taking care of Pinuno, SB19 as family, just light-hearted feel-good SB19 brotherhood, kinda long... sorry, no angst i promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-10
Updated: 2020-04-10
Packaged: 2021-02-23 06:42:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23573995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/r4m3nlvr/pseuds/r4m3nlvr
Summary: Four times Sejun took on the world by himself, and one time he didn't.Or Sejun being the leader of SB19, and the members taking care of their leader in return.
Relationships: Sejun/Josh, Sejun/Justin, Sejun/Ken, Sejun/SB19, Sejun/Stell, family!SB19
Series: brothers in spirit [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1800022
Comments: 8
Kudos: 26





	underneath your armor, do you bleed?

**Author's Note:**

> not proofed. apologies for my inability to write short chapters.

*** * * J O S H * * ***

Josh was the first to notice it. Or perhaps the more appropriate term was he was the first to point it out.

Maybe it was because he was the oldest that Josh always played the support leader role to Sejun. Added to the fact that he was empathic and observant, Josh was keen on watching for his members' well-being. By the time Sejun started doing too much by himself, Josh was there to call him out.

It was the wee hours of the morning, Josh had woken up and finally convinced himself to get a glass of water. He was tired. They all were. After a day of training, they all liked to get as much sleep as they could--which meant they didn't really wake up in the middle of the night to drink water. But somehow Josh felt like getting up, and so he did. It was then that he found Sejun in the common area just staring blankly at his writing pad, still in the clothes he had been wearing the day before. Sejun was so focused on his writing pad, thick eyebrows scrunched in the middle of his forehead, that he didn't notice Josh pass him by and return with a glass of water in his hand.

"Sejun, _hoy_!"

Sejun blinked and only then registered Josh's presence in front of him. "Ui, Josh. Ba't gising ka pa?"

"Wow, ako pa tinanong mo. Kumuha lang ako ng tubig. Ikaw, ba't gising ka pa?" Josh asked, standing closer to look at whatever Sejun was working on.

Pinuno ran his hand through his hair. "'Di kasi ako mapakali na 'di ko to matapos, eh. _Kating-kati na akong tapusin_!"

Sometimes Josh wanted to strangle his members. He knew Sejun worked hard on their projects, to the point of neglecting non-essential matters ( _eating, sleeping, and bathing counted as non-essential_ ). Thus, it came as no surprise to him to find Sejun in this state. But it had been going on for a few days now. And while Josh didn't want to get in other people's business, he also didn't appreciate the dark circles under Sejun's eyes.

"Sejun, matulog ka na," he said in the " _kuya voice_ " he reserved especially for times like this. "Makakapaghintay pa naman 'yan hanggang bukas, eh. Mas makakapag-isip ka kapag nakatulog ka na. Tama na yan."

"'Di, pero malapit na kasi akong matapos," Sejun insisted. "Konti nalang, promise--"

" _Matutulog ka o kakaladkarin kita paakyat_?" Josh threatened. But the sleepiness in his voice did not give it the desired effect and Sejun only laughed.

"Sige po, _Kuya Josh_. Aakyat na po." Sejun started picking up his writing implements and the pieces of paper strewn across the table.

Josh waited for Sejun to finish clearing his stuff. He personally took Sejun to his room before himself going back to bed. But Josh woke up several more times after that, because he could still hear Sejun from the next room, typing.

* * *

*** * * S T E L L * * ***

Stell was the next to notice.

He was up early that day, preparing breakfast for his members. While he rarely ever cooks for the group, he wanted to make this a tradition for when they survive consecutive schedules. It was perfect timing, too. They had just gotten back from another leg of their nationwide tour, and they were finally getting a rest day. Once the members wake up, they will be wanting food.

He already expected Sejun to wake up after him. But he didn't expect Sejun to go straight to working again. Sejun made a beeline for the kitchen table, his writing pad in hand.

"Ui, Sejun, ano yan?" he asked when he saw his leader extremely focused on something.

"Ah, eto? _Secret_ ," Sejun responded with a teasing smile.

"Hala, may pa-sikreto ka na sa'kin? Kala ko ba mahal mo 'ko?"

But Sejun was already lost in his thoughts. Stell thought it was weird, because Sejun was always up for a cheerful conversation with him. That reminded Stell of Josh's comment on how Sejun seemed to be working too hard on their songs in the past few days. He said that while it was not a cause to worry (yet), Josh also told Stell to watch Sejun.

This time, Stell noticed the unkempt look on Pinuno. The tired look in his eyes, the slight slump of his shoulders, the impatient jitter of his hands.

Stell had made it a point not to entertain negative thoughts and feelings too much. But for some reason, if it was about their group or his members, he would want to resolve the situation. And what better way to diffuse negativity than being his own Sunshine-bright self?

The look of surprise on Sejun's face when Stell gently placed toast and eggs in front of him was priceless. He looked like he had been given an extremely unexpected yet precious gift.

"Ano 'to?" he asked, just as Stell placed a cup of hot calamansi beside the toast.

"Suhol yan, suhol," Stell joked. "Baka naman kasi maisipan mong magshare ng pinagkakabusy-han mo."

Sejun laughed. "Okay lang, kaya ko naman 'to. Pero thanks sa pagkain... kahit 'di naman maganda pagkakaluto mo ng itlog."

"Eh kung itlog mo kaya lutuin ko? Gusto mo? Kainis ka."

But Sejun was lost in his own world again. He continued to work on his project, although he did eat his food absentmindedly. When he was finished, Sejun retreated to the room he shared with Stell.

* * *

*** * * J U S T I N * * ***

" _Napansin mo ba'ng mejo malalim ang iniisip ni Sejun lately_?"

Maybe, maybe not? Or maybe Justin chose to believe that this was just Sejun _being_ _Sejun_. But when he saw the serious look on Stell's face as he told him one time during practice, it made Justin think of all the times in the past Sejun was not just _being Sejun_.

So Justin paid closer attention to his kuya over the next few weeks. Sometimes, he would notice Josh and Stell doing the same. He had counted about five times all in all when Sejun was being _not-just Sejun_ at the time he was watching closely. Only five, because the other times, he was only 80% sure.

One, Sejun was distracted during practice. He would suddenly stop mid-routine because he ' _thought of something_ ', or mix up the steps because he forgot. This would have been normal if it didn't happen so frequently. And over the weeks, too. Two, Sejun was a lot more irritable when things didn't go perfectly. Justin always considered Sejun to be forgiving, but recently he had too many worries about 'what if this happens during performance'. Three, Sejun woke up late several times--even on days when they had a schedule. That never used to happen, not in the four years since they became SB19. Four, Sejun once went 24 hours without sleep just working on the next few tracks for their upcoming album. Even Josh and Stell had to urge him to please rest because it was obviously taking a toll on him.

Five, Sejun was staring blankly at Justin right now. They were at the dressing room, preparing for their turn to perform. Sejun was telling Justin about the things Justin needed to say later on. It was all routine, and Justin had been used to it. But Sejun suddenly stopping halfway through his sentence made Justin stop, too. He looked at Sejun's tired eyes and saw nothing but his own reflection.

"Hoy, Sejun, anong tinutunganga mo jan?" commented Justin when Sejun was taking too long.

"Ha? Ano yun? Ano ulit sinasabi ko?"

"Yung details? Anong mga kailangan kong ipromote mamaya 'pag tinanong ako ng host?"

"Ah, oo. Sorry, may naisip ako ulit. Teka, isusulat ko lang," Sejun said, typing furiously on his phone's memos. When he was done, he rubbed his eyes tiredly and continued, "So, ano yun ulit? Social media accounts, music streaming platforms, tapos yung dates ng remaining concerts natin, tanda mo pa? Isama mo na rin yung announcement ng album release natin."

"Oo na, tanda ko pa naman," Justin said. "Pero Sejun, sure ka bang okay ka lang?"

"Ha? Oo naman. Panay tanong niyo nina Stell niyan sa akin, ah? Anong meron?"

Justin pouted. So Sejun didn't seem to be aware of it. Was this the time to call him out about this? _Maybe not_ , Justin thought. Maybe he should talk to Josh and Stell first. So he dismissed Sejun's question with a 'Wala, basta 'yun na 'yun'. He kept a closer watch on Sejun after that. And he noted 10 more times when Sejun was being _not-just Sejun_.

* * *

*** * * K E N * * ***

Ken, for some reason, was used to being the last to know about things in the group. Not that he minded; he was just used to being in his own world, and the members telling him when he needed to know about things.

Just like now. He was busy lazing around his room in the middle of the night watching the latest anime, when suddenly Stell, Josh, and Justin entered his room uninvited. He sat up, giving them confused looks which they didn't respond to.

The three of them isolated themselves in the corner, perhaps unaware that he was even there. They were in a hushed discussion and didn't acknowledge his presence. Since it probably didn't concern Ken, he tried going back to his anime. But half his conscious was eavesdropping on the three's conversation. It seemed to be something about Sejun. It sounded serious.

"Ikaw, Ken. Anong tingin mo?" Justin asked him, five minutes into their meeting.

"Ha? Bakit ako? Akala ko nandito kayo kasi naghanap lang kayo ng lugar na walang mandidistorbo?"

"Mag-ambag ka, hoy! Seryosong usapan 'to, eh!" commented Justin.

"Tungkol sa'n ba kasi yan?" he said, approaching the three who were sitting in a circle in the corner of his small room. "Narinig ko lang na tungkol kay Sejun pero wala akong maintindihan."

"Kaka-anime mo kasi," chided Stell, moving to the side so Ken could join their huddle.

"Oh, eto na nga. Mag-aambag na. Ano nga kasi 'yan?"

"Si Sejun kase... parang masyadong madaming ganap sa utak. Napansin mo ba?" Josh explained.

Ken tried to recall any time in particular but failed. "Hindi naman. Parehas lang naman padin si Sejun. Lagi naman siyang madaming iniisip, diba?"

"Hindi, ah," Stell said. "Iba 'to ngayon... parang palagi siyang distracted, lagi siyang pagod. Tapos madalas late na siyang matulog kakagawa ng kanta."

"Ah, oo. 'Yan napansin ko 'yan. Napag-usapan namin 'yan minsan," Ken said emotionlessly, as if it was not a big deal.

"Napag-usapan niyo? Seryoso? Tinanong mo siya?" Justin asked, genuinely surprised.

"Oo. Yun kasi yung minsang lumabas kayong tatlo tapos kami lang naiwan dito sa condo," he began. "Bakit, wala ba sa inyo yung kumausap sa kaniya?"

Apparently, none of the members thought to talk to Sejun directly. With this minor realization, Josh urged Ken to continue.

Ken recounted to his members what had happened. How he found Sejun with this head in his hands on the kitchen table. It seemed as if Sejun was busy writing the next batch of songs for SB19. He usually asks Ken for his opinion on the lyrics, but this time Sejun didn't. Ken let him be, because it seemed that Sejun knew what he was doing.

Nevertheless Ken got curious. He looked over Sejun's shoulder at the messy handwriting scrawled on the pages of his writing pad. _Weird_. Sejun had written and scratched out several good lines, replacing them with punctuation marks all over the page.

"Ayos ka lang, dre?" Ken asked. "Laspag na laspag ka na diyan, eh. Pahinga muna."

Sejun sat up straight and only then seemed to notice that Ken was there. "Ui, Ken. Kanina ka pa ba diyan?"

Ken only shrugged. "Ba't mo 'to pinalitan? Gandang linya naman ito, ah," he said, pointing out one particular line that stood out for him. "Ta's ang pinalit mo question mark pa, o!"

Sejun only laughed. "Buti nalang ikaw padin si Ken. Unfiltered ka padin magsalita."

"Okay ka lang, dre? Parang ang tamlay mo kasi, eh," Ken commented, not even noticing Sejun's teasing.

The leader stopped and heaved a sigh. He rested his head on the chair's backrest and looked at Ken. "Ewan, pagod lang siguro. Andami ko kasing gustong tapusin, eh. Pero 'di naman matapos-tapos. Parang kakatapos ko lang nung isa, tapos andiyan na naman. May isa na naman."

"Ah..." Ken nodded.

"Tapos, alam mo yun? Yung sina Jah, panay ang bantay sa akin? Ewan, nakaka-pressure lang."

Ken didn't know what to say. So he didn't say anything. Sejun continued anyway.

"Siguro pagod lang ako? Pero 'di rin naman ako makatulog, eh. Lagi kong naiiisip yung mga dapat kong tapusin."

Ken remained quiet.

"Pigang-piga na nga utak ko kakaisip ng dapat ilagay sa mga kanta natin. Tapos yung sayaw natin, 'di ko pa makuha. Ta's andami nating schedule."

"Pagod ka nga," Ken replied. "Ba't kasi 'di ka magpatulong sa'min? Para ka namang others diyan."

"Eh, kanya-kanya naman kayo ng ginagawa. Kaya ko pa naman."

" _Weh_?" Ken said jokingly, taking a step back to pretend-scrutinize Sejun. "Kaya mo pa? Sure ka?"

"Oo nga. Sure nga ako," he replied and then laughed. "Pero salamat sa paalala, dre, ah? Papatulong ako sa iyo 'pag napiga na talaga utak ko."

"Huwag mong patagalin," Ken said. "Dami akong good ideas, dre. May naiiisip rin akong lines paminsan. Pero sa sunod na, 'pag okay na 'yang ginagawa mo."

The conversation happened three days ago, and Sejun still hasn't approached Ken to discuss. And frankly, Ken had forgotten the conversation even happened until it was brought up. Recalling it now to his members made him think that maybe that wasn't so normal of Sejun, after all. And perhaps he didn't pay enough attention. Josh, Stell, and Justin were quiet, too.

"So anong plano?" Ken asked.

"Plano saan?" Justin replied with a question of his own.

"Kay Sejun. May gagawin ba tayo? O hihintayin lang natin siyang kusang lumapit sa 'tin?"

"Yan yung ginawa namin, eh. Pero wala namang nangyari," noted Josh. "Baka kailangan natin ang mas direct na approach?"

* * *

*** * * S E J U N * * ***

Sejun decided that it was perhaps time to take some time off. So he went back to his own home for a day, leaving his work at the condo. It was apparently the restart that he needed. He was able to spend some time relaxing without thinking about his work. And he was able to realize how much he actually missed his members. Just them talking and goofing off, not talking about work. While it was not realistic, as they still had their career to work on, Sejun wished it to happen nonetheless. And he decided he would talk to his members about it as soon as he got to their condo unit.

It could be the length of time they spent with each other, or maybe it was because they already knew each other so well that they think of the same things. Sejun felt like he already knew what the members were up to when he found them gathered in the common area, waiting for him. He smiled.

"Ano ginagawa niyo, mga loko? Ba't may pa-kandila kandila pa kayo? May pinaglalamayan ba tayo?" he joked, gesturing to the scented candles that the members lit around the room.

"Eh, sa madaming scented candles si Josh mula sa mga Cultonista? Bakit ba?" Justin retorted.

"Pero seryoso, dre," Josh said. "Upo ka nga muna. Baba mo bag mo."

"Mukhang pinagkakaisahan ninyo ako, ah?" he replied, but obliged. Sejun sat between Stell and Justin on the couch, while Josh and Ken sat on separate beanbags on opposite ends. "Pero parang alam ko na anong pag-uusapan."

"Aw, alam mo na pala. Hwag na tayo mag-usap," joked Stell, making them all snicker. The mood lightened.

Josh gave them all a reassuring toothy grin. "Pero seryoso, Sejun. Okay ka lang ba? Okay ka na?"

"Siguro," he shrugged. "Pero nakapagpahinga naman ako. At nakapag-isip. Pasensya, medyo sabog talaga ako nitong nakaraan."

"Oo nga, tinalo mo pa si Ken," Stell joked (" _Hoy_!" Ken exclaimed).

"Alam ko namang mali, eh. Na andami kong ginagawa. 'Di ako makafocus sa isang bagay kaya damay tuloy kayo. Siguro napressure lang ako sa lahat. Alam niyo naman ako."

"Okay lang naman na magpaka-busy ka, dre," Josh said. "Pero sana alam mo na pwedeng pwede nating paghatian yang trabahong 'yan. 'Di mo naman kailangan solohin."

"Oo nga. Hindi naman kami pa-pretty lang dito, Sejun," Justin added. "Tagal na nating ginagawa lahat nang magkasama. Tapos ngayon, pinapasan mo naman yung mundo natin."

Sejun sighed a year's worth of sighs. "Naisip ko lang kasi... I should be, ano... a better leader. Feeling ko kasi ang dami kong kakulangan as a leader sa inyo."

"Bakit, may sinabi ba kami? Tingin mo kung may ginagawa kang mali, kokonsintihin namin?" Stell asked. "Kapal mo, ha? Perfect ka, boi?"

They laughed again.

"Oo na nga. Hindi nga. Sabi ko nga, hindi ako perfect," replied Sejun, laughing. "'Di ako perfect, pogi lang."

"Aaaaaah," Justin said dryly. "Kaya pala sarap mong um- _pogi_ n sa pader."

Stell gave Justin a warning look before looking back at Sejun. "Pero seryoso, Sejun. Hwag mo namang sarilihin pag tungkol sa grupo natin yung ginagawa mo. Andito lang naman kami, ah. Kailan ba kasi tayo hindi nagtulungan sa mga bagay-bagay na 'yan?"

"Ano kase, parang sa sobrang daming nangyari sa atin, alam kong pagod kayong lahat. Ayoko namang maburn-out kayo."

"Kaya ikaw nalang magpapaburn-out? Superhero ka, boi?"

"Tagal na rin kasi nating hindi nag-uusap nang ganito," Josh said, silencing the younger members. "Sa sobrang busy parang hindi na tayo humihinga, eh. Hindi naman sa nagrereklamo ako, pero nakaka-miss rin kasi yung panahong nakakapag-usap tayo. Yung chill-chill lang."

They were silent, reminiscing the early days of SB19 when their bonds were formed and solidified by linking their hands in conversation. Josh looked at his members--his _brothers_ \--and felt suddenly sentimental. How far they have come, and yet still so much to go. He would never exchange this family for the world.

"Miss pala ni Josh," Sejun spoke after a while of welcome silence. "Kaya pala sinakripisyo niya yung mga kandila niyang apat na taon na sa stockroom natin. Ano ba kasing plano ngayon? Usap-usap lang, ganon? Senti-senti tapos matutulog na tayo?"

"Wala namang plano aside sa maghintay sa iyo," Stell said. "Pero pwede naman natin ilabas yung PS4 natin para makapaglaro tayo. Maaga pa naman."

"PS4 daw, tapos 'di pala siya maglalaro!" exclaimed Ken while laughing at Stell.

"Eh, bakit ba, Felip Jhon? Sa ipagluluto ko sana kayo ng snacks!"

"Sige na, sige na. Ilalabas ko na yung PS4. Pustahan nalang tayo, yung matalo magliligpit ng mga kandila," Josh said.

Sejun remained quiet throughout his members' exchange. He watched as Stell went towards the kitchen, tying the apron around his waist. Ken went after him to help. Over the years, Ken has proven to be quite the competent cook. Josh went upstairs to gather all their gaming consoles and other implements. Justin remained by Sejun, a comforting presence beside him.

Perhaps, Sejun thought, that he lost sight of the things that were really important throughout the years. Perhaps he so vainly thought that he needed to drag his members towards the finish line because he was the leader.

Somewhere along the way, he forgot that they were not just a team; they were family. And they had his back, as much as he had theirs. He forgot. They reminded him. Isn't that how families work?

Justin put an arm around Sejun's shoulders, pulling him out of his reverie. He realized that there were tears pooling at the corners of his eyes. Justin had noticed.

"Okay lang yan, Kuya Sejun," Justin said, reassuring him. "Madami pa tayong pagdadaanan."

Sejun nodded. "Pero at least ngayon, naalala kong 'di ako lumalaban nang mag-isa."

**Author's Note:**

> Sejun, pinuno. thank you for being strong.


End file.
